The Engish language is basically fairly simple.

Oh, of course, it has some peculiarities. You can read all about these idiosyncracies on various internet web sites. We've all seen the cute e-mail forwards about the language ... about how a "slim chance" and a "fat chance" are the same thing, but a "wise man" and a "wise guy" are opposites. And we've all wondered why you drive on a parkway but park on a driveway.

But most of us who grew up with the language understand these little tricks of syntax. And we adapt well and understand what we mean when we use certain phrases and expressions.

MOST of us.

There are certainly exceptions. And most of those exceptions happen to be patients of mine, for some reason. For some reasons, people who are incapable of understanding simple, plain, street English seem to gravitate toward my office. Why that is, I don't know. Consider the following exchange:

"Can you read this line?"

"F ... Z ... B ... D ... 4"

"Ok, very good. Now tell me which looks better. Number One or Number Two?"

"F ... Z ... B ... D ... 4"

"Yes, we've established that you can READ the line. Now, can you tell me if one of these lenses looks BETTER to you than the other one? Here's number ONE again....... and here's number TWO. Which is BETTER?"

"F ... Z ... B ... D ... 4"

"I see you majored in linquistic studies at the University of Arkansas before teaching at the University here, is that right?"

I think I can read some of the letters on the next line..... O ... F ... L ... "

"Never mind that. Let's dilate your eyes today. I'm going to put a couple of eye drops in......oops, did that bottle say 'hydrogen peroxide'? Maybe I should brush up on my English skills."